Everyone says time heals all wounds – sometimes a lot of time. But it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when the wound still feels fresh, deep, gaping open. If time heals all wounds, please let these next weeks go by because every moment is bleeding me dry.
When I woke up this morning, there was a moment where I didn’t feel that pain – I didn’t remember that I was suddenly alone. There was a split seconds where I forgot that everything hurt and my world was turned upside down -that everything reminds me of him and I can’t stop thinking about everything I used to feel and everything we used to have.
But what’s worse? The pain now of being alone? Or feeling pain throughout a relationship? I don’t think that the being hurt by someone over and over again is any better. But it’s still not easy. Everything aches.
“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember what you have now was once among the things you only hoped for.”
I don’t think this feels like home yet. I’ve been away at college for nearly three months now and although it’s become a lot more comfortable, I’m not sure if I feel a truly deep attachment to this place yet. Maybe it’s only something I’ll feel once I spend some time away. These three months have had their ups and downs – but overall I think I’m happy.
Last week I took a solo walk into town, and somewhere between listening to (this) and (this) and gazing up into a perfectly clear blue sky, I felt an immense sense of gratitude. I felt gratitude towards everything that had led me up to that exact moment, when I walked down the hill away from campus looking out into the distant hazy mountains. A year ago, I would never have believed that this could be my own reality. A year ago I dreaded not being accepted into any schools that I would want to attend and a year ago I remember feeling hopeless. Today, I feel lucky.
I feel the most gratitude towards my family – they’ve supported me every step of the way and always encouraged me to pursue what I love. I can’t express my love for them enough. There’s also gratitude towards all my relatives, friends, and teachers who have been a positive influence on me. There have been so many things that have happened that have led me to be where I am – both good and bad. But those things got me here.